A letter of explanation…

And then the answers came to us, but it was too late…

And we played all the cards, but not in the right order…

And music was playing, but it was all quiet…

And we tried to dance, but movement wasn’t there…

And then we tried to hold hands, but water came running

And we got separated and stood by the river’s side

And we tried to speak and talk, but could hear nothing

And then we tried to write words, but couldn’t find a pencil

We tried to write with the sand, but then it got windy…

 

It is not a love story. It’s not even a complete story. It’s just a small reminder of why we are here. Why we came and why we met. I know you will not fully understand what I mean and what I am saying. I know that we will meet again someday. Probably I will be standing on a bridge and you will come. The water under the bridge will be symbolic. Maybe then a different story will unfold. Maybe you and I will have learned all that there is to learn and we will be wiser. Maybe we will really talk and listen and understand each other more. And maybe we will not want to find the secret of our lives that much. We will have found out that the true meaning of everything on in our minds and in our heats.

Knowledge will come if we leave our heads a little bit more open every night.

Do you remember that we found it somewhere written and we couldn’t sleep for almost a month? Trying to figure out what it meant? Seeing images we couldn’t explain? Then you let it slip over everyday life and didn’t talk about it again. But that sentence stuck in my mind. I kept it playing inside my head again and again. But I never told you anything after the day you got so angry with me you ordered the execution of two people and forbade all the activities for the day. I remember how much I pleaded with you and begged you to stop but without any result. Maybe you will not laugh that much with almost everything I say and then apologize with a pair of gold earrings and a ride with the horse. Maybe you will listen to my words and their meaning more and you will not ask for advice from your courtier. Maybe you will know what to do when I am laughing and you will not feel I am underestimating you.

Maybe you will understand that everyone makes choices for themselves. That we are all free to choose and live our rights and our mistakes and that we don’t want someone else to decide for us. We will take advice yes, but nothing more. And maybe you would have understood that if we ask for an advice but don’t go through with it, it means nothing at all. It’s just a simple opinion and it’s just a simple choice. Would we go back in time after a lot of years thinking:

Did it change my life?

Was it one of the most important decisions in my life?

Do I regret it now after all these years?

How many “most important-life changing decisions” do we get throughout our lives?

And why do we think that the life changing decisions have to do with work and other people?

How about the “most important-life changing decisions” that we take about ourselves and our personal improvement?

And why does that have to be considered as a bad thing?

But there are not such things for you. Free thoughts, and questions, and a life beyond your command. When I first told you about these thoughts of mine you were so angry with me you put me in a cell for three days. And when I laughed and just looked at the small flower that was growing inside the cell you were even angrier. Do you remember what I told you? You have to think beyond some things. There is a flower growing in a prison without water. After the third day you personally came and open the prison’s door. I smiled at you and you wanted to smile back but tried to hide it. You didn’t speak to me for three more days. Even though we spent the days and the nights together. And when you finally did speak to me it was to bring me another gift, another apology for everything you did, another pair of gold earrings. I hugged you and thanked you. You asked me why I am not getting annoyed or angry. I laughed again. Why? Why get annoyed or angry or sad? Do they help me somehow? You must be exhausted, I told you, feeling angry, disappointed and wanting more all the time. Thinking money and power gives you everything. I don’t want to be like that. Before I slept I wrote you a small note:

Relax, everything is running on schedule – the universe.

And maybe this time you will understand the last thing I told you: the only person I will always be with is myself. I cannot possibly betray me. And you should be careful of the consequences when you ask someone to betray herself and the things she believes and stands for. You must be exhausted, love. Feeling like that all the time. But I don’t want to be like that. So I forgive you. For everything.

I know you are still in love with me. I know now that everything happened because you thought I slept with another man. I always thought it was because of my public decisions… but no. It was as simple as jealousy.

I just hope you will recognize me this time. I am not sure I can go through it again. And maybe just maybe this time you will not kill me with your knife and let me slip in the public baths letting everyone believe I drowned.

 

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